My wife and I were celebrating labor day by avoiding any and everything having to do with any sort of labor whatsoever (i.e., chillin’ like a villain). As the hours progressed and we sank deeper into the sofa, we browsed our favorite social media applications—Facebook and Instagram.

As we conducted this important research, we got our fill of ‘bae’ updates, food pictures, cats playing with boxes, and videos of abnormally large pimples being popped. In the midst of all that social media tomfoolery, there were also quite a few verbally risqué videos that caught our attention.

In one video, a pretty young lady ranted about a bad experience she had with a hair dresser and used every top-shelf curse word in the book. In another video, a college student—who looked like she should be competing in beauty pageants—discussed various random topics and her monologue was filled with amazingly obscene profanity.

These videos brought to mind a trend that I’ve been contemplating over for the past several years: “Clean dress dirty mouth” (CDM) syndrome.

The presence of CDM is based on two characteristics common among millennial females who are highly involved with social media: 1) the persistent obsession with personal appearance and being attractive/cute, which includes having flawless (‘on fleek’) hair/eyebrows/makeup; and 2) being completely uninhibited and unashamed when it comes to using profane language on social media, even with the knowledge that hundreds, thousands, or possibly millions of people will be viewing their videos and posts.

In a nutshell, ladies with CDM have a pleasant, clean outward appearance, but exude a heap of dirt and filth when they open their mouths to speak. They’re basically pretty garbage disposals.

millennial clean dress dirty mouth

Based on countless hours of dedicated in depth research (i.e., my wife and I playing with our smartphones and ignoring one another) we’ve learned that CDM is epidemic and it appears to be spreading rapidly.

As is the case with other diseases, it’s not possible to look at a person to determine whether they are infected with CDM. Visually, a CDM carrier will usually be as cute as a bug’s ear—with perfect hair, makeup and clothes. So instead of visual inspection, a test must be run to detect the presence of CDM. The test simply requires the subject to begin speaking and if verbal pollution is consistently discharged from their oral cavity, it means they are CDM-positive.

In the olden days, this syndrome was almost nonexistent. Back then, the young ladies who really cared about their appearance were usually very prim and proper and wouldn’t dream of using harsh language in public venues. They probably thought saying ‘fart’ in public would earn them a nonrefundable one-way ticket to hell.

I don’t think today’s females should feel quite that constrained, but these CDM carriers show no restraint whatsoever.

There needs to be a happy medium somewhere between June Cleaver and Lisa Lampanelli but, unfortunately, countless millennial girls have jumped over to the Lampanelli end of the spectrum.

Clearly, things have changed rapidly within a relatively short period of time. Heck, even when I attended high school in the late 90’s and college during the early 2000’s, there were ‘girly girls’ who were bashful about using dirty language. If social media is any indication, that demure girly girl has become an endangered species in decline.

Making matters worse, many of today’s celebrities are failing to give young girls something admirable to emulate. The crassness and lack of decency displayed by celebrities online is both shocking and disappointing.

It’s not the celebrities’ job to raise our kids but, whether they want to accept it or not, superstars influence millions upon millions of young impressionable minds. And despite all of the censoring controls parents attempt to put in place, the words and actions of celebrities will always find a way to reach the youth.

That’s why famous people have a duty to publicly carry themselves with a modicum of class and civility. They can do whatever they want behind closed doors.

All of this should be a no-brainer since celebrities hire well paid PR consultants who are supposed to teach famous folks how to avoid behaving like savages in public.

Even if they didn’t have PR consultants, celebrities shouldn’t need to be reminded that it’s just as easy to refrain from public gutter talk as it is to engage in it. This is especially true since, in most cases, their crass behavior is completely unnecessary and uncalled for.

The one ‘good’ thing about CDM is that it promotes full transparency. Back in the day, there were many females who looked innocent and behaved like angels in public, but were complete degenerates behind closed doors.

Nowadays, millennials with CDM are actually proud to let the world know they are degenerates. It’s a badge of honor for them. This is a good thing for any potential boyfriends who want to know whether they are about to get into a relationship with a delicate flower or a cactus plant.

I think it’s great that millennials avoid self-censorship and feel unrestrained enough to freely express themselves. But isn’t it possible for them to be themselves without using so much gaudy language? And it’s not really the language that bothers me. It’s more so the frequency of its use. In my experience with CDM carriers, every other word is an expletive.

Hey millennials, you can use three F-bombs in your videos—instead of 57—and still be the social media ‘rebel’ you’ve always dreamed of being. If you have a broad vocabulary and an actual personality, you really don’t need profanity to make an impactful point.

Of course, plenty of them do indeed use dirty language as a crutch to prop up their complete lack of personality and charisma. For them, curse words are a quick ‘add-water’ method for inserting some pep into their inane, empty personas. The whole profanity shtick may work for a little while, but you can’t build an empire of Facebook fans and Instagram followers (which is all they want in life) just because you curse a lot. There has to be more substance.

CDM affects millennials at every age on the spectrum. I’ve even witnessed preadolescent girls openly expressing their foul-mouthed CDM tendencies online for the world to see. This helps highlight the fact that many technologically-inept parents have no earthly idea what their kids are doing online.

Parents would be well served to check their kids’ web browsers to determine which social media websites their children are automatically logged into. The apps on kids’ phones should also be checked because they rarely, if ever, log out of those. Parents can conduct these basic investigative measures or they can continue deluding themselves into believing their insolent teenyboppers are perfect little darlings.

I realize this article could be interpreted as biased because I’m not pointing out the fact that millennial males also have foul mouths. The thing is, boys have had toilet tongues for decades. We’re used to it. While it is still very disturbing and irritating, the incident is not quite as surprising when we see millennial males behaving like brainless, crass little devils on social media.

It may reflect an outmoded way of thinking, but many of us simply have not become accustomed to witnessing young ladies who use language that would make professional contract killers blush.

CDM is so disturbing because it manifests through the juxtaposition of picture perfect feminine appearance combined with the ugliest, most unladylike language imaginable. People with CDM make every effort to look pretty, but don’t mind if they have ugly public identities.

As I continue to morph into the stereotypical old man who hates everything about the younger generations, I wonder if I’ll ever get used to the CDM trend (the same way I’ve gotten used to neighborhoods where kids no longer play outside or teenagers who have zero in-person communication skills because they’re handicapped by their reliance on social media and texting). Instead of having to ‘get used to it,’ I’m hoping young ladies across the U.S. begin realizing it’s not cute to be so brazenly raunchy and this trend miraculously begins reversing itself. That might not happen, but one can hope.

clean dress dirty mouth