Disclaimer: I am not a lumbersexual. Thus, I do not have a biased, self-serving ulterior motive for promoting the merits of lumbersexuals. I’m also not a homosexual, despite the fact that I’m writing about the appealing qualities of other men.
I’m just secure enough with my own masculinity to admit the awesomeness of a particular group of men (and perhaps I secretly wish I could join the legion of bearded men who’ve never had calluses).
Before I make this article even more weird and awkward than it needs to be, let’s explore the excellent return on investment lumbersexuals have the potential of providing.
A lumbersexual is a man who embodies some of the physical traits of a rugged, manly man—such as a lumberjack—combined with the character traits of a cubicle-dwelling, latte sipping urban male.
He may sport a voluminous, well kempt beard, while holding a cushy job as a web developer or a social media marketing manager. His clothing options are more rugged than a metrosexual’s—usually opting for flannels, tweed, or denim—but he still maintains a level of fashionableness and neatness far beyond anything a real lumberjack would aspire to.
The lumbersexual represents the perfect marriage of manly appearance and the sensibilities of an urban professional. Imagine, ladies, dating a lumbersexual who enjoys embarrassingly dainty activities—such as watching The Bachelor—just as much as he enjoys doing rugged, manly stuff like backpacking and eating beef jerky.
He’s like the gay best friend you’ve always wanted, minus all the feminine mannerisms—and the preference for romantic partners of the same sex.
The lumbersexual represents the perfect marriage of manly appearance and the sensibilities of an urban professional.
Unfortunately for our corduroy-sporting friends, they are criticized by people who say lumbersexuals are nothing more than actors pretending to be real men. Well, the last time I checked, a real man was a human being with certain naturally-occurring reproductive organs. And I believe most lumbersexuals pass the reproductive organ test.
Besides, most women would agree that a guy doesn’t have to swing axes or wrestle bears to be considered a real man.
Nowadays, a man is defined by his ability to work hard, earn a decent living and manage his emotions. Thus, having baby soft, virgin hands that smell like moisturizer does not preclude lumbersexuals from being real men.
Some women claim they want legitimate manly men, but most of them really don’t know what they’re getting themselves into. Ask yourself, do you really want to date a fella who eats his frosted flakes with beer instead of milk, shaves with motor oil, and has an inability to watch anything other than ESPN? Do you really want a man who suffers debilitating injuries from working the oil rigs, or do you want a man who sits in an air conditioned office all day and whose worst possible injury would be a severe paper cut or a sore thumb from handling a mouse?
Face it, most of you ladies aren’t ready for that grizzly man life and would be better suited for a lumbersexual who actually cares about his hygiene, his health, and doesn’t mind being in touch with his tender side.
Some women claim they want legitimate manly men, but most of them REALLY don’t know what they’re getting themselves into.
I’m sure there are plenty of hipsters and metrosexuals out there who are jealous because lumbersexuals are getting the attention they rightfully deserve. While all of them have been the subjects of jokes and derision, lumbersexuals are definitely the least annoying of the three groups. Hipsters try too hard to appear aloof and socially progressive, while metrosexuals spend too much time contemplating eyebrow grooming techniques and hair products.
Meanwhile, lumbersexuals are just regular dudes who make a bit of an effort to actually look and act like men. Lumbersexuals just don’t give us a lot to hate. (By the way, can you imagine doing anything remotely outdoorsy with a metrosexual or a hipster? That sounds like a bad reality show I’d love to watch.)
For those of you who think lumbersexuals have the world in their delicate hands: Think again. Lumbersexuals have it tough. They constantly have to walk that fine line of being manly without being too manly. His beard and hair must be manicured, but he should never reach metrosexual levels of primping. At the same time, he can’t allow his beard and hair to become too scraggly and risk looking like a cast member from The Deadliest Catch.
His clothes should have a somewhat unpolished look to them, but his attire can’t be so worn that people begin mistaking him for a vagabond or a homeless, ex-Banana Republic model. His boots must be worn but they can’t look like he actually performs real manual labor in them.
Now do you understand the tricky equilibrium they must constantly maintain? Veer too far into the realm of manliness, and they scare off the women who want their 21st century men to be appropriately watered down. Veer too far into the realm of the metrosexual, and they scare off the women who believe pretty men are a little too vain to fully trust. It’s a precarious balancing act for lumbersexuals. Can you imagine going through life with that type of pressure on your shoulders? It’s scary to even think about.
Despite the obstacles they face, lumbersexuals are man enough to accept the challenge. For that, and for many other reasons, they are very capable of making women swoon. And if you’re a lady and you’re not swooning, you should be. Because what’s better than a man who gets manliness but doesn’t overdo it?